Hi, I’m Lydia

I’m the author of this fabulous blog. Formerly known as Infertile Girl, but now I’m Peanut Mom.  My real name is Lydia and I live in Iowa. I have a cat, a dog, a husband, and two kiddos: a daughter (Peanut) who was born in 2012, and our second IVF baby, a boy (Squeak), was born in 2014. (Both are nicknames, to respect their privacy.)

Most of the writing I do here is simply cathartic and I don’t get paid for it. 

If you’re curious, you can read the dirty details of our infertility/iVF journey.

My name is real, and so is my husband’s, but almost no one else’s name is real here.

We started trying to conceive in 2010, and had our first iVF cycle in September 2011.

It was a big fat failure.

But we brushed ourselves off and got back on the horse, which in December 2011 resulted in our first positive (from a frozen embryo transfer). That embryo was our daughter, Peanut.

It took two full years, give or take, to see a positive pregnancy test. It’s not a long time by comparison to some.

Still, my journey was stressful and painful and I blogged through almost all of it—trying to get pregnant, finally succeeding, having a newborn/infant/toddler, and beyond.

In 2013 we started the frozen embryo transfer process again. This second attempt resulted in our little boy, Squeak.

I’m a big fan of oversharing and it never occurred to me to keep our infertility struggle a secret. I hope we get to a place as a society where we can talk openly about infertility.

On this blog, I pull no punches.

I talk about uncomfortable subjects, and I have strong opinions sometimes. If you don’t agree, that’s cool. You can just close the browser window.

That’s what’s awesome about the Interwebz, amirite?

In my early posts, when I was still TTC and failing at it, I was pretty angry.

Until you’ve walked in the shoes of a woman who can’t get pregnant, you can’t possibly imagine the emotions it creates. Don’t pass judgment until you’ve been through it.

Like most of us, I’m different now than I was in 2011. I’ve grown up.

Don’t judge me based on my old posts, is what I’m saying, and if for some reason I get really popular and end up in the public eye, don’t dig up some stupid line from an old post and use it to cancel me. That’s just mean.

Someday I’ll get around to proofreading everything, and cutting everything I don’t agree with anymore, but who has time? I’m a full-time working mom, so I definitely don’t.

My infertility timeline:

• January 2010:  Pulled the goalie.
• May 2010:  First visit to reproductive endocrinologist (RE) after my period was remaining elusive
• June through August 2010: 2 cycles of Clomid
• August 2010: Ovarian cyst, followed by 2 months rest
• October 2010: More cysts. More rest.

• January 2011:  Tried a natural cycle with follicle tracking by ultrasound. Couldn’t ovulate on my own. 
• February 2011: Tried Letrazole (the Canadian Clomid), still couldn’t ovulate. 
• March 2011: Higher dose of Letrazole, plus injectibles to stimulate ovulation, using ultrasounds to track follicles. Finally ovulated, but didn’t get pregnant. Took a cycle off to rest the ovaries.
• May 2011: LOTS of injectibles, ultrasounds, and a trigger shot. Almost a failed cycle due to too many eggs maturing, but in the end we moved forward. First try at insemination (IUI). Big fat negative.
• June-August 2011: Because my body responded so well to the injectibles, the risk of multiples was high with more IUIs; we did not want to be in a position to selectively reduce. Decided to go straight to IVF since I had the insurance coverage; spent June-Aug waiting for our turn on the in vitro (IVF) merry-go-round. 
• September 2011: First fresh cycle of IVF. Retrieved 20 eggs, 14 were mature, and 11 fertilized. Froze 4 at pronuclear stage and cultured 7 in the lab. Implanted 1 five-day blast, cryopreserved 4 blasts and discarded 2 that didn’t develop. BFN.
• October–November 2011: Waiting for frozen embryo transfer (FET). Couldn’t cycle on my own, took Provera to kick-start it.
• December 9 2011: First frozen embryo transfer. Of my remaining 8 embryos, spent four (2 pronuclear, 2 blasts) and got one good embryo out of it (from the blasts; zero pronuclears made it past thaw).
• December 19 2011:  Got a positive, but not a BFP. A LTP (little tiny positive).
• December 21 2011:  Second beta. Number went up, but not enough. Nurse tells me I’ll probably miscarry.
• December 23 2011:  Big Fat Positive!  Peanut is hanging in there.
• December 29 2011:  First ultrasound. Peanut is looking good, despite the low betas.

• January 9 2012: Second ultrasound. Heartbeat visible. Peanut is looking great.
• January 24 2012:  Heard heartbeat on Doppler at 9 weeks. I graduated from infertility to regular obstetric care. Yippee! We’re due in August. 
• February 2012:  Hit 12 weeks. Peanut rules.
• March 2012:  Peanut passes her trisomy 18, Down’s, and neural tube tests. 
• April through July 2012: All goes well. Aside from some morning sickness, back pain, and general discomfort from carrying a giant parasite, pregnancy goes well.
• August 2012:  Peanut is born at just over 37 weeks in an unbelievably unusual birth. A perfectly wonderful beautiful baby girl. 

• November 21 2013: Frozen embryo transfer, one five day blast. Spent just ONE embryo!
• December 2 2013: Big Fat Positive!
• December 9 2013:  5 weeks. Heavy hemorrhaging; I was certain Squeak was finished.
• December 11 2013:  5 weeks. Ultrasound finds Squeak doing great; diagnosed with subchorionic hemorrhage.
• December 19 2013: 6 weeks. More blood visible on ultrasound; Squeak still going strong.
• December 23 2013:  7 weeks. Third ultrasound; Squeak’s heartbeat strong. No more ultrasounds unless I have more bleeding.

• January 15 2014:  9 weeks. Squeak’s heartbeat heard on doppler. 
• January 31 2014:  13 weeks. First OB ultrasound.
• April 2014:  Squeak passes his trisomy 18, Down’s, and neural tube tests.
• April – July 2014:  A pretty typical pregnancy, but hard when I’m chasing a toddler around.
• July 2014:  Another totally funky birth story, and our little man is here! Yippee!

All in all:

122 intramuscular injections, 27 transvaginal ultrasounds, six BFNs, 14 times crying at work (probably a low estimate), one LTP, one BFP, and two amazing beautiful humans I cannot believe I created. Er, well, I guess I didn’t create them. Someone in a laboratory did. But I helped!